Healing after broken heart - How counselling helps after infidelity

Naive me - from decades ago thought that if someone stayed with their partner after they have been betrayed was foolish. Clealry, that was rebel me or perhaps biased me who coudnt fathom the dept of human emotion. I can still hear my young self telling a friend that ‘Leave this person, who couldnt be faithful’. Now wise me has a different opinion. After years of training, life experiences and seeing my own family members and friends go through different phases of life, I now know that, letitng go and healing isn’t as simple as it sounds yet I tread on this path of Healing Hearts and I believe in the power of counselling after infidelity.

Infidelity (and in many cases we’ve seen incest) is a painful and challenging experience that can shake the very foundation of a relationship. The emotional turmoil, trust issues, and feelings of betrayal can be overwhelming for both partners involved. Sometimes, one who has cheated on their partner feels guilty, ashamed of their action or simply can be in denial to protect themselves. Partner who has been cheated on, can feel resentful, shocked, angry, wants to take revenge or can feel host of other emotions. However, there is hope for couples facing this crisis through the guidance of our expert relationship counsellors who have training in figuring out the intricacies of human mind. At Wellness North Counselling, we offer infidelity counselling. Let’s discuss why it is important to seek help after you’ve been betrayed or feel the need for infidelity counselling and discuss some evidence-based approaches that our team uses to help couples heal and rebuild their relationships.

The Impact of Infidelity

Infidelity is not only a breach of trust but also a complex issue with deep emotional consequences. Research has shown that infidelity can lead to feelings of anger, depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem in the betrayed partner (Mark KP et al., 2011). The unfaithful partner may experience guilt, shame, and remorse (Lammers J et al., 2011). It's a situation that often leaves both parties in pain and confusion, wondering if their relationship can ever recover. Through one lens, it can be argued that infidelity happened due to unmet attachment needs and disconnection between two partners, some might blame it on personality disorder (thrill seeking), personal insecurities (e.g. peer pressure) or involvement of illegal drugs or substance abuse.

The Role of Infidelity Counselling

Infidelity counselling, also known as affair recovery therapy, provides a safe space for couples to address their issues, process their emotions, and work towards healing. Here are some key ways in which infidelity counseling can help:

• Open Communication: Effective communication is crucial in any relationship. Infidelity counseling helps couples to talk openly about their feelings, thoughts, and concerns. This creates a safe environment for both partners to express themselves honestly in the presence of professional who can act as a sounding board or objective neutral observor witnessing dynamics at play within the session.

• Rebuilding Trust: Rebuilding trust is a central focus of infidelity counselling especially if we consider EFT lens and hoping their are no signs of abuse, safety concerns or intimate partner violence (IPV). Therapists use evidence-based techniques to help couples gradually rebuild trust in each other. Research suggests that rebuilding trust is a dynamic process that requires time and effort (Holmes et al., 2013).

• Understanding Root Causes: Infidelity often stems from underlying issues in the relationship. Counseling helps couples explore and address these root causes, such as lack of intimacy, unmet emotional needs, or communication breakdown (Whisman et al., 2007).

• Emotional Healing: Both partners need a space to process their emotions, whether it's anger, sadness, or guilt. Therapists guide individuals in managing their emotions constructively and finding healthier ways to cope rather than getting stuck in blame and defense cycles.

Evidence-Based Approaches

Infidelity counseling draws from various therapeutic approaches, and several studies highlight their effectiveness:

• Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT can help individuals challenge negative thought patterns and develop healthier ways of thinking and behaving (Mark KP et al., 2011) e.g. ‘ I am not good enough hence my partner sought love elsewhere’ .

• Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): EFT focuses on the emotional bond between partners. Research has shown that EFT can significantly improve relationship satisfaction and decrease distress in couples dealing with infidelity (Johnson SM et al., 2005).

• Gottman Method: Developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, this method emphasizes building trust, improving communication, and enhancing intimacy. Research has shown its effectiveness in helping couples recover from infidelity (Whisman et al., 2007).

As family counsellors with focus on preserving relationships, we guide couples in understanding each other. Infidelity counselling offered by our team, brings hope and healing to couples grappling with the aftermath of betrayal especially if children or elderly parents are involved too. By providing a safe space for open communication, rebuilding trust, addressing root causes, and facilitating emotional healing, it can lead to the restoration of a healthy, loving relationship. While it is not a quick fix, evidence-based therapeutic approaches, such as CBT, EFT, and the Gottman Method, have shown promising results in helping couples navigate the challenging journey of recovering from infidelity.

If you choose to seek professional help, know that you have a brave heart. Your corrective action is a positive step towards healing and rebuilding your relationship after infidelity. It's a journey that may be difficult, but with the right guidance and commitment, it is possible to emerge from the pain stronger and more connected to your partner than ever before.

References:

• Mark, K. P., Janssen, E., & Milhausen, R. R. (2011). Infidelity in heterosexual couples: demographic, interpersonal, and personality-related predictors of extradyadic sex. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 40(5), 971-982.

• Lammers, J., Stoker, J. I., Jordan, J., Rink, F., & Galinsky, A. D. (2011). Power decreases the social distance between the powerful and the powerless. Psychological Science, 22(3), 282-288.

• Holmes, B. M., Johnson, S. M., & Kuo, J. R. (2013). Emotionally focused therapy for couples in the treatment of depression: A pilot study. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 41(4), 274-288.

• Johnson, S. M., Hunsley, J., Greenberg, L., & Schindler, D. (1999). Emotionally focused couples therapy: Status and challenges. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 6(1), 67-79.

• Whisman, M. A., Dixon, A. E., & Johnson, B. (2007). Therapists' perspectives of couple problems and treatment issues in couple therapy. Journal of Family Psychology, 21(2), 303-311.