How to live with someone with ADHD without getting frustrated ?
He was born in 2012. I still remember all the emotions I felt not only as a new parent but also seeing someone who was visibly quite different. Besides, all his challenges he was also suspected to have ADHD around 5 yrs of age and the diagnosis was confirmed a few years later. There are still days when I get frustrated with him and I have to self regulate in order to help him regulate. It is not a disciplining issue and being a parent is not always easy. We also have some family members who struggle with executive functioning, are unable to focus and plan, get bored easily and have several other challenges.
Many of our clinicians are trained in supporting folks with ADHD as well as help family members and partners of folx who might have this diagnosis or suspected. Ofcourse, adult adhd looks different than those of children and it also affects people’s functionality in subjective ways. Many of my own clients who have attention deficit, do very well in trades or have tools to manage this neurodiverse condition successfully. At our clinic, we follow Dr. Russell Barkley’s model for supporting folks with ADHD and use different psycho-educational tools and treatment modalities ranging from CBT to MBSR to help our clients. If there are comorbid conditions, treatment plans & modalities are comprehensive as well as are based on presenting concerns. We work with our clients based on how this diagnosis (recent or old) is affecting their functionality.
It’s hard for neurotypical people to wrap their head around this condition if they havent encountered it in the past and in many communities/cultures there is still stigma around it. Many times the condition gets mis-diagnosed or goes undiagnosed in the adults. While living with someone with ADHD can be difficult and challenging, don’t let this condition become a roadblock for the success of your relationship. Like what I did, I would suggest:
Start by educating yourself about ADHD: Taking a course on ADHD can be helpful. Little knowledge is a dangerous thing so although you dont need comprehensive education like a clinician or a doctor would need, we would suggest tapping into help of qualified professionals, looking into scientifiec and authentic resources. Learning more about this diagnosis and how it affects your loved one can help you better understand their behavior and reactions.
Have you had open and honest communication with them. Talk about feelings often so that your frustration is understood and then create a plan of action with them collaboratively or for them rather than asking them to do it. Small concrete actionable steps go a long way to get a handle over this diagnosis. Having open and honest communication with your loved one can help you all understand each other's needs and find ways to support each other. Tell yourself, we are in this together. How do we conquer this challenge? After that it becomes about practice. Our little guy knows that it is his responsibility to take out dishes from the dishwasher. He would often forget about it so rather than us getting upset about it, we had to gently remind him of his chores so that it sticks for him (Think of it as conditioning to bridge the gap between knowledge and performance).
ADHD shouldn’t be used as a free score card to get away with responsibilities so establish boundaries. It's important to set clear boundaries and expectations for behavior in your relationship. This can help both of you feel more secure and respected and it helps reduce miscommunication. With one of my couples who are working on couples counselling with me, one partner has expectation that taking out trash will be other person’s responsbility so through practice and over the years, other person has learnt to do it. This is more of a habit now rather then person responsible remembering to do it. So, it’s really important to set up your partner or your loved one for success rather than failure.
Practice patience: Living with someone with ADHD can be unpredictable at times, so it's important to be patient and understanding when things don't go as planned. Yes from being a angry young adult, I have learnt (or atleast I am trying) to be a patient, wiser self to maintain family peace.
Seek support: It can be helpful to seek support from friends, family, or a therapist to help you navigate the challenges of living with someone with ADHD. Get a tutor for their academic success, cleaner to maintain sanity in the house and a therapist for yourself to manage your emotions : )
Remember that everyone is different and what works for one relationship may not work for another. We recommend figuring out what works best for your relationship and being open to trying new evidence based scientific approaches if and as needed.
