Are you defensive when it comes to interactions with your partner?
Many of us when emotionally aroused or out of our window of tolerance, can get stuck in sympathetic mode which leads us to being defensive in our interactions. If you find yourself being defensive in relationships and want to change that behavior, here are some suggestions from our therapists who specialize in relationship counselling.
Recognize and acknowledge your defensiveness: The first step is to become aware of your defensive tendencies and acknowledge that they exist. Self-awareness is crucial for personal growth and change.
Understand the root causes: Reflect on why you tend to be defensive. It could be due to past experiences, fear of criticism, low self-esteem, or a desire to protect yourself. Understanding the underlying reasons can help you address them effectively. Our team is here to support you if you want to work on your maladaptive patterns.
Practice active listening: Be present and fully engaged when communicating with your partner. Practice active listening by paying attention to their words, tone, and body language. Avoid interrupting or formulating counterarguments in your mind while they are speaking. This can be hard when you are already emotionally charged so take time to de-escalate before engaging in conversation again.
Validate your partner's feelings: Instead of immediately defending yourself when your partner expresses their concerns or emotions, try to validate their feelings. Show empathy and understanding by acknowledging their perspective, even if you disagree. Validating their emotions can help create a safe space for open communication.
Take responsibility for your actions: Accept accountability for your mistakes and shortcomings. Instead of becoming defensive, acknowledge your part in a conflict or misunderstanding. Apologize when necessary and demonstrate a willingness to improve.
Develop emotional resilience: Build emotional resilience by working on your self-esteem and self-confidence. When you have a stronger sense of self-worth, you are less likely to feel threatened or defensive in response to criticism or differing opinions.
Pause and reflect before responding: When you feel the urge to be defensive, take a pause before responding. Use this moment to reflect on your feelings and choose a more constructive and calm response. This can prevent you from reacting impulsively and escalating conflicts.
Seek feedback and communicate openly: Encourage open and honest communication in your relationships. Ask for feedback from your partner and actively listen to their perspective. Create a safe environment where both of you can express concerns without fear of judgment or defensiveness.
Practice empathy and perspective-taking: Put yourself in your partner's shoes and try to understand their viewpoint. Empathy and perspective-taking help foster understanding and reduce the need for defensiveness. Consider the intentions behind their words or actions before jumping to conclusions.
Seek professional help if needed: If your defensiveness is deeply ingrained or causing significant issues in your relationships, consider seeking the support of a therapist or counsellor can be highly beneficial. Our team can provide guidance, help you explore underlying issues, and offer strategies tailored to your specific situation and good news, we have low cost counsellors available to help you as well if paying for therapy costs is not in your budget.
Remember, changing deep-seated behaviors takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself and celebrate small victories along the way. We are here to cheer you on but we hope you can be your own cheer leader.
