How to set boundaries with friends once back to school?
Back to school week can be exciting, nerve wrecking, painful, anxiety provoking, hope filled or reminder of good and/or bad times. You might be hesitant to connect with friends whose values no longer align with yours and that can be a reason to form new friendships. You can also be surprised to find that your good friends have changed and you no longer jive with them. Perhaps, you gave yourself time to heal over the last few months or summer. Our Surrey mental health team members have some thoughts to share with you if you are ready to set boundaries with people who no longer seem like friends or who you feel might be a bad influence on you. Here’s how you can go about it:
Communicate openly and honestly: Let your friends know that you’ve grown or healed over summer. Start by having a candid conversation with your friends about your boundaries. Express your thoughts and feelings calmly and honestly. More authentic you are, more confident you might feel. Sharing your viewpoint about why boundaries are important to you and how they can benefit your friendship may land well on your friends and can turn into a win win situation for all perties involved and if it doesn’t atleast you know, you tried.
Define your limits: Conflict averse people might beat around the busy or assume that their friends will understand. Since evryone is unique and we can live in our own inner world, they might not get your point so be clear and concise. E.g. “I cant go clubbing on friday night as I have an early Saturday morning appointment with my therapist but Sat night will work.” Students, your boundaries can pertain to your personal space, time management, availability, or even emotional support. You might set limits on how often you hang out, how much time you need for yourself, or what topics are off-limits for discussion (please don’t ask me if I broke up with my BF again or if we are still together.)
Be assertive but respectful: It's essential to assert your boundaries assertively but respectfully. It’s not what you say, its how you say it. Add a good dose of love, empathy, kindness to your message. You deserve to protect your energy. Avoid being aggressive or confrontational. Use "I" statements to express your needs and feelings. This one regarding “ I” statements is literally our favourite. For instance, say, "I need some alone time to focus on my studies," instead of saying, "You always distract me when I'm trying to study."
Practice self-care: Remind yourself that self care is not selfish so choose your well-being and enforce your boundaries effectively. When you take care of yourself, you'll have more energy and emotional reserves to handle situations where boundaries might be tested or pushed. This includes getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising, and managing stress. If you haven’t already, download our Free e-book on tips to manage stress.
Consistently enforce boundaries: Consistency and practice is the key to many things in life and if you want your boundary setting to be successful, you will have to consistently enforce them. Be firm about your limits and don't compromise them unless it's a genuine exception. It may take time for your friends to adjust, but with consistency, they will come to respect your boundaries and you will respect yourself.
Setting boundaries is about fostering healthier relationships, not pushing people away. Good friends should understand and respect your need for boundaries, just as you should respect theirs. Check out our free video guide on setting boundaries .
