How to strenghten your connection with your partner ?

Aren’t you in awe of couples who have been together for 30, 40 or 50 years and seem to be still in love with each other? Some may say that life was different back then but there has been a lot of research in terms of what makes marriages work and what predicts if the relationship is doomed to be a failure. We discuss this and much more in our latest book ‘ The relationship upgrade’. You can grab your copy as a gift for a friend or for yourself to read when you feel stuck in your relationships. In this book, we discuss ways to strengthen connection with our loved ones when digitization, modernization, gadgets and electronics demand our attention. The strategies we discuss our simple, easy to implement and can trule help you referesh your relationship.

I personally use EFT lens in my work and when potential clients ask, how does it work, this is what I share with them. Many of my teammates use Gottman lens in their work and it works beautifully too.

EFT for couples is divided into three stages. Steps 1 through 4 (below) constitute the “Assessment and Cycle De-escalation” stage. It means as a therapist, I am trying to determine who is pursuing and who is withdrawing. What kind of negative interaction cycle do the folks I am trying to support get stuck in? One of the most common ones is ‘ Blame and Defense’ cycle. Sometimes both partners are in blame- blame cycle which leads to dysregulation, fights, no accountability and so on.

The second stage is “Changing Interaction Patterns and Creating New Bonds” and consists of steps 5, 6, and 7. 

The final two steps make up a stage called “Consolidation and Integration.”

If you are a nerd like me and wants to know all the ins and outs then you might enjoy looking more deeply at the stages. To the students, we supervise, we talk about the art and science of therapy. Science what we know from research and how this therapy model works, the art is how skillfully the therapist is assisting their clients in navigating the psychodrama of interaction.

STAGE 1: ASSESSMENT AND CYCLE DE-ESCALATION

1. Identify primary issues of concern. Notice the emphasis on the workd ‘ issues’. There can be more than one cycle of interactions - more than one concern, more than one emotional injury. We collaboratively set goals in terms of how we need to proceed and what we’d like to achieve. Therapist in EFT is generally a ‘ Process Consultant.’ Assessment of the relationship history is really important for the therapist to know, understand and get clear picture of what is going on.

2. Next, we identify negative patterns in interactions. I tell clients who connect with us that work with your therapist to trace your past patterns.

3. Then you’d want to recognize previously unacknowledged attachment-related emotions. Identify the feelings “underneath” your behavioral patterns and discuss this “underneath” with your partner.

4. With help from your therapist, reframe all of the above into categories. Especially relevant to your relationship are negative cycles, underlying feelings, and attachment needs categories. Subsequently, use this time to assess your emotional cycle and identify triggers each step of the way. Many times, we want to use role playing in our sessions but really the whole process is experiential.

STAGE 2: CHANGING INTERACTIONAL POSITIONS AND CREATING NEW BONDING EVENTS

5. In Step 5, partners voice their attachment needs clearly ( they themselves are clear about it, they communicate this to their partner ) and define whatever emotions have been previously disowned.

6. While each partner responds with compassion to the other partner’s expressed needs and emotions, sometimes those needs and emotions take you by surprise and require processing. This step is all about listening and accepting.

7. Your therapist coaches you on how you’re expressing your attachment needs, your fears, and your new interactional goals. In addition, couples work more deeply with listening and acceptance. As a result, they work more purposefully towards the goal of “being there” for each other. This all might seem like too much but I break down some of these concepts in clear, concise way and discuss practical ways to improve your relationship with your partner in my book ‘The relationship upgrade.’ Our brain is plastic and experiential form of therapy can go a long way.

STAGE 3: CONSOLIDATION/ INTEGRATION - Here the work is all about knowing and doing. We know that we dont need to yell at our partners but many times we do. We know that we need to communicate and not shut down, but from time to time, this might happen too.

8. Work on ways to apply your new communication styles and techniques while discussing old problems to create new solutions. This includes time outside of the therapy session environment. Then, it’s time to re-visit issues that have been put on hold. We discuss not putting everything on thr back burner or shoving it under the carpet. Let’s talk and address the key issues that bother you.

9. Consolidate. Blend all your developing skills with the awareness of new closeness and deeper bonds. Begin to work together on future plans. Also, don’t forget to celebrate your efforts. Create rituals too. In addition, be sure to set up safeguards to address concerns as they arise.

Again, EFT for couples has an extremely strong track record in term of successful relationships.

Some issues, I see in my work is that over time, people start to take their partners for granted. We become indifferent, or their is resentment, contempt, neglect. We take more care of cars, business, work, paying bills but one of the most important people in our lives (our partner only gets bits and pieces of us and not our wholesome self).

In the beginning of relationship, sometimes we wear a mask. We ar enot our authentic self or we donot show our darker side. When people say, my partner has changes - I am very curious as to what happened? Were they always like that or something shifted, changed, emotional injury happen or life circumstances took over. Some other things that are a hindrance in building stronger bond is 'violence’, ‘any sort of abuse - emotional, financial, sexual’ or disrespect. Imagine, if you did that with an outsider like your boss, a cop, a colleague, your parent. Interstingely, we know that we will get in trouble if we did it with anyone outside our relationship yet it is sad that we treat our partners improperly. I saw this happen again and again when I worked with a social agency and was part of Stop the violence program.

Oh and then there are folks who are passive aggressive with their partners or there are narcissist traits..We can continue talking about this and more but for today let’s stop here…