How to make co-parenting a success ?
Our team consists of incredible couple counsellors who support folks through Emotion Focused Therapy and Gottman Lens. However, sometimes certain differences are beyond reconciliation and in those cases both parties/ or one partner might decide to separate. When children are involved, things can be more difficult and challenging. Research suggests that it is better for children to live under a roof where there is peace, love, joy and acceptance even if it means being with one parent or single parent household as oppose to being in a household with both parents where there is constant yelling, fighting or no communication at all.
Co-parenting can be challenging, especially when one parent feels that the other is controlling or harassing them. However, there are some guidelines that can help make co-parenting more successful in these circumstances and if you want further in-depth conversation then don’t hesitate at all to reach out to our team for further support as we have additional trainings beyond our Masters degree to help navigate these issues. Coming back to how to successfully co-parent:
Focus on the children: The most important thing in co-parenting is to focus on the children's best interests. Keep your interactions with your co-parent child-centered, and avoid getting into personal disputes or arguments. In one case, we noticed that one partner was agreeing to some of children’s demands like signing up for swim classes or joining local Karate club whereas the other partner felt that they are not being included in this decision making. The partner who was agreeing to these decisions felt that children should have these conversations with their parent rather than them being the go to for communication between children and the other parent. Our counsellor was able to support them both in their perspectives and asked the children what would they like ‘ parents communicating’ or them (i.e. children) asking for their requirements from their parents? There is no right or wrong here as every situation is different and every parent brings their own baggage into their parenting. The question is can we show up for our children in most authentic genuine way by putting our own egos aside?
Set clear boundaries: If you feel that your co-parent is controlling or harassing you, it's essential to set clear boundaries. Let them know what behaviors are unacceptable and stick to your boundaries. This is where having an objective third party like our counsellors can be helpful. No wonder counsellors make great mediators.
Communicate clearly: Effective communication is key to successful co-parenting. Be clear and concise in your communication, and avoid using accusatory language. It is hard to set emotions aside but if we can it benefits all the parties. You can have your own individual therapist who can help you process some of your dilemmas,triggers and emotions.
Keep records: If your co-parent's behavior is consistently problematic, it can be helpful to keep records of their behavior. This can be useful if you need to take legal action or if you need to show a lawyer, mediator or therapist.
Seek support: Co-parenting can be emotionally draining, especially if you feel that you are being harassed or controlled. Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist to help you manage your emotions and stay focused on your children.
Self- care is also highly beneficial for both parties. Doing things that each person finds soothing, comforting ( i.e. adaptive) and fulfilling is essential so they can be more present as a parent and ofcourse regulated as well. It doesn’t feel good to feel like a shitty parent or to let our own traumas affect our parenting and/or our relationship with our children.
Consider mediation: If you're struggling to co-parent successfully, consider seeking mediation. A mediator can help you and your co-parent work through your differences and come up with a parenting plan that works for everyone.
Remember, successful co-parenting is possible, even when one parent is controlling or harassing. Keep the focus on your children, set clear boundaries, communicate effectively, keep records, seek support, and consider mediation if needed. You might feel you are in a tough spot but take it one day at a time and remind yourself, this won’t last forever. Things will eventually get better. Keep treading towards that life that you deserve and dream of.
