How to stop being a People Pleaser?
One of the patterns we’ve seen in our work that people often struggle with is ‘ poor boundaries’ and being ‘people pleaser’. This comes at an enormous personal cost. It’s like you want to say No but you end up saying yes which created internal conflict.
One camp of practitioners state that ‘people pleasing’ tendencies develop due to adverse childhood experiences. e.g Inorder to get attention from caregivers/family, child had to prove its worth but helping around, proving their worth or may be ’parentification’ happened growing up. Many somantic clinicians share that ‘people pleasing’ develops as a response to the threat (real or perceived) to the nervous system. The system had to do whatever was needed to stay safe, survive and manage the circumstances so the behavior/action tendencies continued.
People pleasing is often driven by a desire to be liked or to avoid conflict. If you're struggling with being a people pleaser, here are some tips from our team of expert mental health clinicians that may help:
Learn to set boundaries: It's important to set clear boundaries to protect your time and energy. This could include saying no to requests or commitments that you're not comfortable with or that aren't aligned with your values. It will be hard, it will bring up guilt but we are here to help you through it so don’t hesitate to contact us for your needs.
What do you think of self care ? Consider making yourself a priority in the list of things you need to do everyday. Make time for activities that nourish and support you, and prioritize your own needs and well-being. Taking care of that inner child can be really empowering.
Communicate openly and honestly however tough it might seem is the right way to go about it. Be upfront and transparent in your communication, and don't be afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Allow us to help you find your fierce side. Laying out your negotiables from the very beginning can be the way to go about making a change. You can start by taking small risks where the stakes are low to start the practice and then make bigger- bolder moves. Our Clinic director, Aditi Jasra has been helping working professionals succeed in their careers by supporting them in workplace negotiations, tapping into personal emotional intelligence and resilience and laying the framework for smart goals to safety and success. Book her today for your workplace mental health workshop/retreat today.
Know your values - Who are you? What do you stand for? What is most meaningful to you? : Clarify your own values and priorities and make decisions based on what is important to you, rather than trying to please others, to fit in with the popular kids or to stick to what is expected of you. If your behaviours don’t bother you, thats great news but if you are reading this, deep down you are feeling disturbed and it’s about time that you think of making a change for the better with the help of professionals.
Do you know many of our clinicians use intuitive journalling/ guided writing, thought provoking questioning to help you get clear about things, and/or notice things about yourself that you were unaware of. Even if journalling or writing is not your thing, consider discussing whats upsetting you with a professional to develop the capacity to not be bother due to your people pleasing tendencies. E.g. It’s ok to turn down that dinner or not pay that phone bill that your sibling wants you to pay because you want to save your mullah for travel. You don’t have to be rude about it, you just have to present it in a way that makes the most sense to you. Yes, therapy has tons of value and our master level therapists have years of training and decades of experience in it.
Seek guidance and help: It can be helpful to talk to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist about your struggles with people pleasing. They can provide a safe and supportive space to explore your feelings and work through any underlying issues. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. infact, it takes a lot of courage to acknowledge your vulnerabilities and insecurities.
You can be kind to others so why not yourself? If a friend came to you with a problem, we are sure, you’ll have some words of wisdom for them. Could you give the same advise to your younger self or inner child. We’d like you to practice self-compassion. Be kind and understanding with yourself. Take a moment to reflect, how do you talk to yourself? Are you a bully or your own biggest cheer leader? Is their space for both in your life ? Remember that it's okay to make mistakes and that it's natural to want to be liked and to avoid conflict. Bigger question to consider here is’ Do I like me?’ ‘ When I take an action or do a behaviour - do I like me? or what/who is the driver behind this emotion?’
Take steps to develop your self-confidence. What helps you feel strong? When were you able to tap into your sense of confidence and were pleased with yourself? What are you proud of ? Our team recommends experiment with saying no (ofcourse this will depend on the context). We know the idea could be quite daunting. How about you practice saying no to small requests and observe how it feels. Explore those feelings - guilt and shame might show up. However, in the long run this could help you build confidence and become more comfortable with setting boundaries.
It's okay to disappoint others. After all, you are a human and not a genie. It's not possible to make everyone happy all the time. Remember that it's okay to disappoint others and that you can't control how they react. Are you happy with yourself though? You can manage your behaviours and emotions and let others be responsible for their own feelings. Many times it’s not what you say but how you say it. Stay connected with your loving, caring, nurturing and wise self. Wise self does know that it has to put its own oxygen mask first before reaching out to help others or you run into the risk of burn-out, feeling small or losing yourself in order to connect with others.
We hope that these tips give you some idea of direction and path to take to show up fully for yourself and take small steps necessary to climb big mountains.
